Down the Dark Passages
Sometimes life seems so hopelessly unhaltered, like a speeding express train, which knows not the destination but the meaningless treading of path. If for a split second, could I stop this progress by pulling some hitherto unseen chain, if I could for an instant stand outside this whole capricious system and think steadily, I would have written down the story of my life in a long saga ornating with appropriate metaphors. But I don't have much time, I can feel. A dreadful fear is taking me in, a fear of uncertain. I am afraid that this train is going astray into dark tunnels and will never stop. So I'll write it down here, in the hope that anybody who is starting their journey will find direction early in their voyage.
I'll try to answer all the questions my conscience has asked me at several points of my life and which my rational, intelligent mind has put aside for some future time of introspection. That future has come now. I can't be very to-the-point in this as no introspection can be. At this point I am being tormented by questions, counter-questions and much more.
I am a "good boy". That's the worst part of my life so far. My parents had some dream of theirs and failed to achieve it. They put together all their dreams and thus I came to being. I was the ONE , the achiever, the winner in life. Nothing "bad" will ever touch me. My every action would be exemplerary to others. This "good boy" has guided me in every "action" all through-out my life. It has led me to do things that a good man should do, but not what I wanted to do. THERE, there I deceived the whole world, I deceived myself. This suppression of my will has been for long time, so long that I can no more hear the music of my own heart.
It is not sufficient to seek achievement, to achieve. And I have been an achiever. How did I do it? How did I become that "good" person? How did I ride this fast-running express train of success, in the first place? I have been intelligent, yes!!! What is intelligence? If the ability to adapt is the measure of inherent intelligence, I have been a genius, really. I'll elaborate on this point a little bit, as I don't see any opportunity for telling this in future.
I've tried to be a "good" son to my parents. At one point in my life, they were my only friends in life, and outside was an unknown uncertain place for me. I was introvert then, very much so. All I cared about was to please my dear ones by trying to achieve their dreams. I studied hard, with an one-eyed aim of becoming academically successful. Not that my parents forced me or anything. It was as if as a return of my existence in this world, a favour they did to me, and all my happiness after that. But it gave birth to a vice in my soul, my ego, for being the best, for being the invincible, for being the unsurpassable. It has been a companion for me, all my life. As a friend? as a disguised enemy? I don't know. Not even now, when I am writing the story of my psychological life. Actually I think friends are always disguised enemies. It's matter of perspective. But that will come later.
I've tried to be a "good" friend to my friends later in life. Now how do you become a "good" friend? I tried to be compassionate with them. I must have been, because otherwise why would they pour all their heart's content before me,if they didn't see true feeling in my eyes? There was a boy, three years junior to me in college, who used to think of me as an idol. Not simply because I was the only one who would listen patiently for hours to his deep thoughts about life, but because I was his guide in these matters. I used to tell him about mysteries of truth, ethics,life and love. He used to listen to me with indescribable awe and reverence in his foolish eyes. Yes he was a fool, unlike me, a complete idiot, who couldn't achieve anything, academic feat, friendship, love or popularity, because he failed to mould himself like others. Yet, the trust in those inane eyes was enough to
silent my voluble speech. As I knew very well that after this discussion is over this fellow would go to some lonely corner and think about that. And I? I will probably engage myself in another discussion with somebody else regarding a completely different matter. I had to be a "good" friend to him also!!!
Now I have been involved in this precarious way of life so much that I think my pragmatic existence is completely devoid of myself. It has become a collection of all the minds I have come across in my life. When I ask myself the reason behind any of my action amidst a group of people, answer seems obvious enough. But in solitude the very answer becomes as illusive as a mirage. Because there is no one to answer there. I have lived thousands of lives but haven't lived my own!!!
But my self and will is not lost. It never gets lost, simply due to natural laws. Vanquished from present reality, It has taken shelter in dreams. Yes, I am a dreamer. Not because I am prone to dreaming. That's not very unusual, actually. But in most cases, people dream of future. But I dream of past. No, I don't repent for my past, I simply dream about past. A dream so powerful that it is almost reality. A dream where my free will has taken control over my actions. I rebuild my past in my dreams . I cling to those dreams in complete defiance of the reality. I live in those dreams. This has led me to lie about trivial things and with no reason at all, with no purpose to deceive anybody. I have only tried to listen to my own heartbeat, my wishes, my dreams.
The self-hatred is slowly consuming me. Whenever, someone wants to put his/her trust in me, I am alarmed, I am afraid of myself. I am disgusted with my identity. Some days back, I broke a mirror. It reflected myself in such a shameless manner, I lost control. I wish I really could kill my reflection like that mirror. I wish I could jump out of this train, out of this never-ending journey. I wish I could stand quiet on my feet for sometime outside this world, full of people like me, disguised and masqueraded. Do they go through the mental turmoil I am going through? How to throw away these masks and put an end to this drama? I tried to stop it the hard way. I tried to forget the past and start afresh. I tried to live a life of my own.
That brings us to the end of the story, ultimate defeat of the invincible!!! For once the "good one" tried to be truthful to himself in the present and search for himself in the midst of false personalities. But is there any present without the past? I tried to change the present, but my past wouldn't let me go. It would come in front of me and say, in the disguise of people around me who thought of me very highly once and now hates me for being truthful,that I am a liar, untrustworthy liar!!!! But I tried, really tried to be trustworthy, believe me. But wasn't given a chance by this world.
So here I am. In this express train of my life, running through dark passage ways, nobody knows where. It is likely that in some more time I will consumed by this everlasting darkness so much that I won't be able to contact you. So this is my last letter to you, the men of conscience. My last advice, Don't try to be what you should be. Rather try to be what YOU want to be!!!
Adieus.
I'll try to answer all the questions my conscience has asked me at several points of my life and which my rational, intelligent mind has put aside for some future time of introspection. That future has come now. I can't be very to-the-point in this as no introspection can be. At this point I am being tormented by questions, counter-questions and much more.
I am a "good boy". That's the worst part of my life so far. My parents had some dream of theirs and failed to achieve it. They put together all their dreams and thus I came to being. I was the ONE , the achiever, the winner in life. Nothing "bad" will ever touch me. My every action would be exemplerary to others. This "good boy" has guided me in every "action" all through-out my life. It has led me to do things that a good man should do, but not what I wanted to do. THERE, there I deceived the whole world, I deceived myself. This suppression of my will has been for long time, so long that I can no more hear the music of my own heart.
It is not sufficient to seek achievement, to achieve. And I have been an achiever. How did I do it? How did I become that "good" person? How did I ride this fast-running express train of success, in the first place? I have been intelligent, yes!!! What is intelligence? If the ability to adapt is the measure of inherent intelligence, I have been a genius, really. I'll elaborate on this point a little bit, as I don't see any opportunity for telling this in future.
I've tried to be a "good" son to my parents. At one point in my life, they were my only friends in life, and outside was an unknown uncertain place for me. I was introvert then, very much so. All I cared about was to please my dear ones by trying to achieve their dreams. I studied hard, with an one-eyed aim of becoming academically successful. Not that my parents forced me or anything. It was as if as a return of my existence in this world, a favour they did to me, and all my happiness after that. But it gave birth to a vice in my soul, my ego, for being the best, for being the invincible, for being the unsurpassable. It has been a companion for me, all my life. As a friend? as a disguised enemy? I don't know. Not even now, when I am writing the story of my psychological life. Actually I think friends are always disguised enemies. It's matter of perspective. But that will come later.
I've tried to be a "good" friend to my friends later in life. Now how do you become a "good" friend? I tried to be compassionate with them. I must have been, because otherwise why would they pour all their heart's content before me,if they didn't see true feeling in my eyes? There was a boy, three years junior to me in college, who used to think of me as an idol. Not simply because I was the only one who would listen patiently for hours to his deep thoughts about life, but because I was his guide in these matters. I used to tell him about mysteries of truth, ethics,life and love. He used to listen to me with indescribable awe and reverence in his foolish eyes. Yes he was a fool, unlike me, a complete idiot, who couldn't achieve anything, academic feat, friendship, love or popularity, because he failed to mould himself like others. Yet, the trust in those inane eyes was enough to
silent my voluble speech. As I knew very well that after this discussion is over this fellow would go to some lonely corner and think about that. And I? I will probably engage myself in another discussion with somebody else regarding a completely different matter. I had to be a "good" friend to him also!!!
Now I have been involved in this precarious way of life so much that I think my pragmatic existence is completely devoid of myself. It has become a collection of all the minds I have come across in my life. When I ask myself the reason behind any of my action amidst a group of people, answer seems obvious enough. But in solitude the very answer becomes as illusive as a mirage. Because there is no one to answer there. I have lived thousands of lives but haven't lived my own!!!
But my self and will is not lost. It never gets lost, simply due to natural laws. Vanquished from present reality, It has taken shelter in dreams. Yes, I am a dreamer. Not because I am prone to dreaming. That's not very unusual, actually. But in most cases, people dream of future. But I dream of past. No, I don't repent for my past, I simply dream about past. A dream so powerful that it is almost reality. A dream where my free will has taken control over my actions. I rebuild my past in my dreams . I cling to those dreams in complete defiance of the reality. I live in those dreams. This has led me to lie about trivial things and with no reason at all, with no purpose to deceive anybody. I have only tried to listen to my own heartbeat, my wishes, my dreams.
The self-hatred is slowly consuming me. Whenever, someone wants to put his/her trust in me, I am alarmed, I am afraid of myself. I am disgusted with my identity. Some days back, I broke a mirror. It reflected myself in such a shameless manner, I lost control. I wish I really could kill my reflection like that mirror. I wish I could jump out of this train, out of this never-ending journey. I wish I could stand quiet on my feet for sometime outside this world, full of people like me, disguised and masqueraded. Do they go through the mental turmoil I am going through? How to throw away these masks and put an end to this drama? I tried to stop it the hard way. I tried to forget the past and start afresh. I tried to live a life of my own.
That brings us to the end of the story, ultimate defeat of the invincible!!! For once the "good one" tried to be truthful to himself in the present and search for himself in the midst of false personalities. But is there any present without the past? I tried to change the present, but my past wouldn't let me go. It would come in front of me and say, in the disguise of people around me who thought of me very highly once and now hates me for being truthful,that I am a liar, untrustworthy liar!!!! But I tried, really tried to be trustworthy, believe me. But wasn't given a chance by this world.
So here I am. In this express train of my life, running through dark passage ways, nobody knows where. It is likely that in some more time I will consumed by this everlasting darkness so much that I won't be able to contact you. So this is my last letter to you, the men of conscience. My last advice, Don't try to be what you should be. Rather try to be what YOU want to be!!!
Adieus.
posted by Unknown at 4:14 PM
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